Because you love me, I will find the strength to carry on. Because you lost your life, I must somehow find a way to value mine.
One day, when time has passed, I hope that people will be able to look at me and see your presence instead of your absence.
At the moment, your absence is more tangible than my own being. I am just fragments of myself stitched together with pain. I am sad eyes, grey skin, tear-tracks and shaking limbs with a gaping wound where my heart used to be. Your loss is threaded through every fibre of my body. This body that you loved.
One day, perhaps the world will see the shape of you in the way I can keep loving even though I have no reason to trust love. In the way I will build a new life moment by moment and never give up hope even though life has let me down so many times. In the way I value myself, knowing that, at least once, someone whole-heartedly understood me and loved me and thought I was wonderful. That someone wanted to stay even though their wishes were denied.
You nearly gave up hope yourself but you picked yourself back up and started to live again. You felt I was your reward for your faith in yourself and in life. I know you wouldn't have missed it for the world even though life was so unbelievably cruel to you again. I wonder if you could keep going if it was I who was gone instead of you? I don't know. But I know that you would want me to keep on going.
If people could see you in me they would see a person whose heart was still open. Who loved and lived until the end. Who cherished the little things and a moment of beauty amidst the pain. Who kept on learning and exploring. Who laughed in spite of all the madness and sadness of the world.
I hope one day that will be me. It won't be today. It won't be tomorrow. But, one day. Maybe.
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